So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Vodka?
Forever.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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