He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
