i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
