please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
