i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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