Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
