You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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