Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i came on her dog
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
