hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Im part way to drunk.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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