Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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