you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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