Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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