The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
