Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
