I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
