It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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