I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
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