...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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