I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
