another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
