I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I look better un-naked...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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