Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
