life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
