It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
