there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
