Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
