It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
