I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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