This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
