quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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