Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
