I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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