I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
