You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
