It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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