What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
