Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
