is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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