The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Four minutes until I can fart!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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