Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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