Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
