i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
