um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
