My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
