I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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