her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
