Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
