If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
So. Much. Porn.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
