I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it was like eating out sand paper
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
