he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Who died my cat blue again?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
