She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
